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The art of the schlemiel

December 31st, 2007 · 10 Comments · Easy marks

News item:

At a news conference Thursday in a gold-trimmed Mar-A-Lago ballroom, Trump’s wife, Melania, noted her 22-month-old son, Baron, and said: “I cannot imagine what the mothers [with autistic children] and mothers all around the world go through. … Let’s get rid of autism.”

In an interview, Donald Trump said he thinks the rising prevalence of autism is related to vaccinations of babies and toddlers.

One in 150 children is now diagnosed with autism, with the prevalence higher among boys.

“When I was growing up, autism wasn’t really a factor,” he said. “And now all of a sudden, it’s an epidemic. Everybody has their theory, and my theory is the shots. They’re getting these massive injections at one time. I think it’s the vaccinations.”

“Mr. Trump, your personal physician Dr. Carstairs is here to see you.”

“Thank you Robin. Please send him in.”

“Trevor, so good to see you. Please have a seat.”

“Thank you for finding time in your busy schedule for me. This won’t take long.”

“Please, take all the time you need. I take it this is a health related matter?”

“It’s about vaccines. Vaccines and autism.”

“I was just talking about vaccines in Florida the other day. Do you know they give 50 pound babies one huge injection? That plunger must be the size of a Scud missile.”

“That’s what I’m here to talk about.”

“This is huge! Huge I tell ya! I’m working with Autism Speaks, the biggest organization in the world ! They’re huge!”

“Yes, Autism Speaks has been very successful at fundraising.”

“Well they’re about to be even more successful. I’m telling the whole world about vaccines. Vaccines and autism! This is going to be huge!”

“Sir, there’s a few things you may not be aware of with regard to vaccines and autism.”

“You mean details?”

“Yes, details.”

“OK, I’m listening. Pomegranate juice?”

“Yes, don’t mind if I do.”

“These pomegranates were grown under a temperature controlled geodesic dome right here in Manhattan. Greatest city in the world! Pomegranates! Can you believe it? These are going to be huge!”

“Yes, they certainly are delicious. Now as I was saying..”

“Vaccines and autism. It’s a shame the governmental units of the CDC and FTC dropped the ball on this one. I wish I could fire someone.”

“It doesn’t appear that the government is the problem this time.”

“Fifty pound injections. Can you believe that?”

“Actually, there’s no real evidence that vaccines cause autism.”

“Huh?”

“In fact, there’s no good reason to believe there is an autism epidemic.”

“But I just told five-thousand people in Mar-A-Lago ballroom that there is an epidemic.”

“Yes sir, I’m aware of that. That’s why I made this appointment to see you.”

“Well now this is just beyond belief. I was briefed by Jenny McCarthy. She said vaccines poison babies!”

“Yes, I’m aware of what some people told you. But they’re wrong.”

“Robin, we need more pomegranate juice!”

“Yes Mr. Trump.”

“Did I mention that the Trump geodesic dome is the largest in the Western Hemisphere? You can see it from outer space. The Jets will be playing there next year.”

“Miss McCarthy is unaware of some of the, uh, details surrounding vaccines and autism.”

“I need to stay informed. Information is like currency, that’s what I say! McCarthy is fired!”

“Well, that’s a start. Autism Speaks is trying to distance itself from people like McCarthy, and they might not be too comfortable with some of the points you made in your Mar-A-Lago press conference.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“Think of it as a business proposition.”

“Now you’re talking my language.”

“You see, Autism Speaks has positioned itself as a strong advocate for children’s health and well-being. They have a sizeable market presence, and valuable brand equity…”

“Their brand equity is HUGE!”

“Yes sir, it’s huge. But the Autism Speaks brand name is under attack by the competition.”

“If there’s competition, then I’ll deal with it like I always do – by crushing it.”

“You see, sir, there have been some market innovations in the last few years that have set in motion a whole new paradigm in the field of autism, and Autism Speaks is struggling to adjust and adapt to that new paradigm.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned about business, it’s that you can’t sit still for too long.”

“No, you can’t, and the same is true about science.”

“Go on.”

“The vast majority of doctors and scientists have known for years that there is no link between vaccines and autism. A HUGE majority. HUGE!”

“My God this is going to be HUGE!”

“Mr. Trump, what would you do if one of your vice presidents tried to launch a new product without any preliminary market research?”

“I’d fire him!’ On national TV!”

“Well, science is kind of like that. You don’t just say some medicine works or doesn’t work, or that vaccines cause autism without first doing some research.”

“Trevor, I think I know where you’re going with this.”

“Whoever told you about vaccines and autism didn’t do their research.”

“GOOD GOD, TREVOR! I’VE BEEN PLAYED!”

“That’s my concern.”

“This is like the time Merv Griffin sold me a mango orchard in Hoboken.”

“I never heard that story.”

“It turned out that nobody even lived in Hoboken! Robin, get Jenny McCarthy on the phone. I don’t care what time it is in California. Wake her up!”

“Sir, I believe it’s lunch time in LA.”

Tags:

10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 autismquackerysux // Dec 31, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    Hilarious! I enjoyed that very much.

  • 2 kristina // Dec 31, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    Send in the script!

  • 3 Ms. Clark // Dec 31, 2007 at 9:49 pm

    Autism News Beat is HUGE! HUGE I tell you.

    :-)

    Thank you, it’s a nice dose of reality compared to the nonsense being beamed out from Planet Trump ™.

  • 4 Casdok // Jan 1, 2008 at 5:27 am

    Excellent!!

  • 5 Clay // Jan 1, 2008 at 11:23 am

    Enjoyed that very much. Needed a good laugh.

  • 6 Donald Trump gets his comeuppance on vaccines and autism… [Respectful Insolence] | NewAge.org // Jan 3, 2008 at 2:00 am

    [...] …and he gets it right here. [...]

  • 7 rach // Jan 3, 2008 at 6:26 am

    Real good i enjoyed this very much. wow 2008 might be trumps year!

  • 8 isles // Jan 3, 2008 at 11:47 pm

    Oh, you have GOT to send this to Trump somehow. Spot on!

  • 9 The Integral // Mar 18, 2008 at 10:54 am

    I don’t even know where to begin…………..

    Donald Trump is………….a scumbag. What an IDIOT. Too bad he’s so rich………..probably from lying to people and cheating them to get money and then invest it……….

    If he is teaming up with Autism Speaks though, it’s really bad news…………….because he’s so freaking rich. Money talks a lot louder than the truth does.

    Bill Gates is supposedly an Aspie (I say that because I don’t know so for a fact, he very well could be. I think he is, actually)……..he could help us (the autistic advocates and allies who want to get the truth out) if we got him interested…….

    TI

  • 10 So anyway… » The art of the schlemiel // Jan 5, 2010 at 8:49 am

    [...] found this article at Autism News Beat highly amusing. In it, someone explains a few facts to Donald “I think it’s the vaccines” [...]

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